Two years ago today Daniel
died. It is still very hard to fathom
the death of my son, such a blossoming young man, full of energy, life, love of
God and others, and oh so much potential.
No explanation of God’s
sovereignty, or fate, or whatever rationalizing process some people would like
to apply to this event really suffices for the broken heart that one
feels. I still miss my son very deeply every
day.
I watch my kids and wife miss him –
I watch his friends miss him. We all
wrestle with the same longings and wonderings – what would it be like now to
still have Daniel in our lives?
I feel a mix of pride and regret when
people tell me how much Daniel’s life and death has impacted them, how they
were inspired by the way he lived, and how they want to live differently as a
result. These are all beautiful things
for me to ponder as his father, yet all these words also remind me of how much
I still miss him and regret that this sort of influence was cut short so
harshly by his death.
May 1, 2010
“Less raw but not less cruel”
These words came from a friend to
me in an email exchange regarding the anniversary of Daniel’s death: “it feels less raw, but not less cruel.”
Cruel, brutal, painful, harsh – all
these terms are accurate in describing death, particularly the “premature”
sudden death of a person as young and vital as my son.
The brutality or cruelty of his
death leaves me still filled with shock, anguish, sadness, and pain.
“Living with grace”
I also heard these words from three
friends this week as they commented on Daniel’s death and the way they observed
Carol and me handling it now two years later.
They each said that they saw us living with grace and generosity as we
embrace our grief and others who share in it with us.
I am reminded (and I reminded my
friends) that this grace ties directly to my faith in Jesus – indeed, it is
emanating from my faith since it a gift from God and is not originating within
me. I feel pain and at times, depression
and anger in my human frailty as Daniel’s father. Daniel’s death continues to haunt me and seem
very cruel to me – it leaves me feeling even now in utter despair and
unspeakable grief.
In my natural state, I cannot live
graciously or generously with this loss, but God is somehow giving me grace to
do so and that is what these friends are observing.
I can only thank God for this
amazing grace!
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