21 years old
Yesterday was Daniel’s 21st
birthday. It was a melancholy day for me
in many ways as I felt oddly detached from my work sitting through a morning
staff meeting preoccupied with missing my son.
I left after lunch to be with the family.
I spent a lot of time these last
few days and weeks wondering what Daniel would be like now – what he would be
doing as he prepares to go back to Whitworth for his senior year – what he
would be dreaming about and planning for his life. Waves of familiar sadness overtake me as I
contemplate these questions and am left to simply wonder and wish there were
answers.
Five of Daniel’s buddies again
joined us last night – Lizzie, Eric, Chris, Tyler, and Nate. As usual, they were sweet and it was
bittersweet to be with them. Watching
Ben wrestle with Eric and Chris in the backyard was heart warming and heart
breaking – he so badly misses this key relationship with his brother but these
young men are now angels in his life.
Yesterday I was thinking about how
much I miss Daniel and how I am somehow now getting more used to or familiar
with living with this feeling of loss – almost.
I don’t really understand how this ever present feeling is shaping me or
changing me, but I sense I am marked forever and different than I was before.
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