Thanksgiving; Depression

November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving 2009:  the space between pain and blessing, grief and gratitude

I now seem to live in a new space, that space between pain and blessing, grief and gratitude.

Losing a son has brought unspeakable pain, yet having had that son was an amazing blessing. 

Losing one child is painful, but my two other children are incredible blessings. 

Watching Carol in her new role as a grieving mother is very painful, yet having Carol as my soul mate in life is an enormous blessing and in some unusual way, sharing our grief together as Daniel’s parents is somehow a rare and newfound blessing to us.

Though other experiences in life bring pain, I am still grateful for many, many more blessings.

Pain and blessing – grief and gratitude – paradoxical truths that are the fabric of my life and perhaps most everyone’s’ lives if we are honest.  Maintaining a healthy balance among them is very challenging, but it seems to be where I am living now.

God: help me live well and live in a graceful balance with these equally true realities.

December 2, 2009

Anger and depression

I seem to be on a roller coaster this week, flipping back and forth between anger and depression.

Almost daily, I am not just annoyed by experiences I encounter on my job or at home, I am actually enraged and agitated by them in ways that are way out of proportion in terms of my reaction.  I am too easily provoked and too easily take things personally.  Small irritations are becoming insurmountable obstacles in my mind.  I am simply overreacting to many issues or behaviors in others that should not trigger such strong responses.

Likewise, every day it feels like I leave this emotional high and descend into a feeling of depression and sadness; again, small things trigger thoughts of Daniel which in turn lead to the moments I still experience where I feel shocked that he is gone.  I am still stunned with the finality of his death and the fact that our lives seem to have changed forever.

My emotions then move quietly into sadness and what feels like depression – a sense of wondering if life can ever be good again, if I am capable of ever feeling more than momentary joy or hope, or if I am simply destined to remain perpetually shocked and sad because of Daniel’s death.

The term “emotion” is interesting – as I typed this it just struck me that “e” is connected to “motion”, so I checked an online etymology source and see that emotion comes from Latin “emovere”, a combination of “ex-” meaning “out” and “movere” meaning “to move.”  So emotion could literally mean “to move out”. 

My feelings around Daniel are very deep and quite complex.  Emoting them, moving them out, expressing them is a hugely challenging process and very complicated and confusing.