Loving Differently

May 30, 2010

4:00 AM

Our God-daughter Hilary leaves later today on a six-month service learning adventure in South Africa.  Her college sponsors a program on international issues called HNGR and its classes and overseas internships expose the students to issues around hunger, poverty, and development.  Last night, we attended a party in honor of Hilary and her trip, and we participated in offering prayers for her safety and success in this exciting adventure.

As her Godfather, Steve asked me to offer the last prayer for Hilary and as I did so, my voice cracked with emotion as I attempted to put words around the feelings I have for this second daughter whom I have known and loved for almost 21 years.

Since Hilary preceded Daniel in birth by just three weeks, their lives and those of our families are intertwined in a myriad of ways.  They grew up together and we have shared many wonderful times, most especially highlighted by our annual trips to Deer Valley Ranch every Memorial Day weekend.

The party I describe fell in the middle of this year’s Memorial Day weekend. 

Thus, when I opened my mouth last night to pray aloud for Hilary, I was very aware of not only how much I care for this beautiful young woman, but also the depth of love that I have for her family and the relationships we share as families.  I was also acutely aware of how deeply I miss Hilary’s “twin” God-brother Daniel – how much I yearn for Daniel to be present and in the middle of these same moments of life – how much I am missing the opportunity to see him grow and thrive like Hilary is thriving and pursue these wonderful life experiences like traveling to South Africa to work with orphans whose parents were killed by HIV/AIDS.

Whether I should or not, I can’t stop thinking about what Daniel is missing, and what we as his family are missing.  I still am excited and thrilled for Hilary and what lies ahead for her, but somehow this is also shaped and perhaps even sharpened by this current of emotions around Daniel.

As I struggled to not completely lose it during my prayer, Hilary reached over and grabbed my hand – she knew and she felt some of the complexity of those emotions as they were occurring.  That connection carried through our departure, and as I hugged her, I realized that I am loving her differently now that Daniel is gone.  My love feels different – feels more deep and much more alive and real in the context of the pain I carry from losing Daniel.

Is this some sort of “silver lining” in this loss?  I chose to say no, mostly because I find that question somehow demeaning and trite.  But, I will accept the notion that loving others differently is perhaps another way of seeing God’s grace at work in my life in the midst of my grief over Daniel dying.

God:  bless Hilary richly as she goes forth in her life to South Africa.  May she be transformed through this experience and may we all relish in her adventure.  Thanks for the love we share and the grace you give.