Rituals: putting grief into a context

September 20, 2010

 Over the past month or so, our family has observed Daniel’s 21^st birthday and his death by:

• Going out to dinner on Daniel’s birthday at his favorite restaurant, Annie’s, for the third year in a row where his little brother Ben ordered Daniel’s (and now Ben’s) favorite burger;
• Gathering with several of Daniel’s high school era friends (Eric, Lizzie, Chris, Tyler, and Nate) later that evening in our backyard to catch up on each others’ lives, share memories of Daniel, and eat smores together around a charcoal fire;
• Climbing another 14,000 foot peak (our second annual memorial climb) with a two of Daniel’s closest friends Malory and Riley and his Godfather/our dear friend Steve;
• Playing with another group of Daniel’s friends (Foote, Lyle, Beth, Mallory, Hayden, and Ellie) in their third annual Dan Burtness Memorial Frisbee Golf tournament on the campus of DU;
• Carol and I sitting with Steve and Mallory to rehash our shared experiences of being with Daniel together during his last days and hours at the hospital in Missoula; and
• Carol and I traveling to Spokane to see the inaugural presentation to the first two recipients of Daniel Burtness Leadership Award at Whitworth and hang out with several of Daniel’s friends. 

Each of these activities is wrought with different layers of meaning and emotion as we remember and miss Daniel, while also finding moments together to celebrate him, his life and his unique spirit, and the gift that he was and is in our lives.  We continue to ache deeply over our loss while also laughing at some of our memories, cherishing the many ways that Daniel endeared himself to us and to so many, and marveling at the lasting impact he had on so many lives through his love for God and love of people

I believe that we repeat several of these activities with an almost ritual-like precision because they help us to put into some sort of context the array of struggles, pain, and happy memories that we have related to Daniel’s life and death.  We need to eat burgers and climb a mountain (with its own physical challenge and accompanying pain), play Frisbee, and most importantly, share these and other experiences as a family and with Daniel’s friends who continue to love us and “go there” with us in our collective journey through this horrible life experience.  

Doing these activities together is somehow helping us put this deep loss and our grief into a context that enables us to live with it more fully and intentionally.  Perhaps these activities actually form a structure to carry this grief in, enabling us to “carry it more comfortably” as Jerry Sittser describes the process.  Maybe it is even accurate to say that these rituals form a carrying case of sorts for our grief.

If there is a way to find meaning or perspective in Daniel’s death, perhaps it will come as we continue to practice these and other “Daniel rituals” together.