A Watershed Event

January 5, 2010
 

Living in Colorado, we sometimes venture onto the top of the Continental Divide and see signs there indicating how the rivers flow down each side either toward the Pacific or Atlantic oceans. This is the ultimate watershed on the North American continent.

In the same way, events can form watershed moments in our lives.  Everything prior to that event seemed to flow in one direction, but afterward, life is now flowing in completely the opposite direction, or so it seems.

Thus, my life now seems to be divided between time before Daniel died and time since he died. At some point almost everyday, I become aware, as if for the first time it often seems, that something has profoundly changed in my life, a seismic shift has taken place, and the waters are flowing in the opposite direction.  I often still feel surprised and somewhat bewildered at that moment – it feels like I have just awakened and am only now realizing that my life's river is no longer flowing in one direction, but has stopped and somehow shifted itself into a flow completely opposite of what I think is normal.

In these moments, I feel the opposite of normal or at ease – indeed this shift feels very abnormal or unnatural to me and I feel a sense of dis-ease at these times.

Perhaps this is very normal when someone close to you dies.  All the same, it is weird, distracting, and a disconcerting feeling, especially as it is repeated so often.  Maybe I should be getting more "used to it" by now – I don't know.  In many ways, I don't want to.  

I want this watershed to remain what it is – life altering.  The question is – where does this stream take me now that is flowing in the opposite direction?  We will see.