A note to my friend, a grieving mother in Mumbai
Esmie:
It is good to hear from you.
Anniversaries are very hard -- the anniversary of Zhya's death, his
birthday, and many other occasions I can imagine bring overwhelming sadness and
loneliness. We have felt many of those
same emotions as we have gone through those same days remembering our son and
missing him deeply. There are really no
words to describe your pain as a parent.
For me, that means that I often feel very lonely in that pain since I
cannot describe it and it is so very, very deep.
In my experience, my wife Carol is the only person on earth
who shares a version of this pain most similar to mine. Though we cannot always be there for each
other, overall, I know that we have a new type of bond and shared experience
that in some ways has drawn us closer together.
I pray that this might also be true for you and your husband.
When I hit my deepest point of sadness and loneliness, I
also often try to spend time talking to Daniel in my mind and thinking about
how he was living his life -- which was mostly in a very excited, positive, and
loving way -- and from that, I realize that the best way to honor my son is to
try and plow through my loneliness and find something to focus on that is
positive and life-giving, much the way Daniel was living. In that sense, I am trying to capture his
spirit and use that spirit to motivate me to actually live more fully and with
more love and grace.
Not that I am successful with this all the time -- far from
it. It is an enormous struggle, and I
hope that me sharing this does not come across in the wrong way. We are in a very treacherous phase of our
lives as grieving parents -- it is overwhelming and many days I feel extremely
hopeless and helpless.
In the final analysis, all we can do is weep and look for
God to love us in our moment of deepest need.
I pray that you will feel that love today.
Grace and peace,
John
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