You Treat a Gift Differently Than You Do a Possession

July 3, 2009

“You treat a gift differently than you do a possession.”

These profound words come straight from a book I just began reading, “Gift of the Red Bird” by Paula D’Arcy.  This book chronicles Paula’s spiritual journey after losing her husband and infant daughter in a car accident earlier in her life.  This phrase came to her as she prepared to give birth to her second daughter just months after the tragic accident.

As Paula was about to go into labor to deliver this second child, she realized that she had felt possessive of her first child who had died.  Paula also felt as if she had made this child into an idol of worship (a god) rather than accepting her as a gift from God.

When I read these words for the first time this morning I reacted physically with an immediate and literal choking up and bursting into tears, an unusual reaction for me even during the past year.  I put the book down and picked up my computer to begin writing these thoughts.

I know that some of my struggles in grieving Daniel’s death come from my having done what Paula did – I too have idolized Daniel and tried to possess him.  How dare God or fate or whatever take Daniel away from me? 

When you possess something, your sense of ownership of this possession means that having it taken away is the same as having it stolen from you.  As owner, your “rights” have been violated and since these rights are paramount and this injustice needs to be addressed.

Thus, when I am angry that Daniel died, it is likely because I feel like he was stolen away from me – my ownership rights have been violated and I am angry!

Conversely, to receive a gift is to be given something that you have not earned or purchased.  It is free to you and received by you without expectation.  Gifts are usually not anticipated and are never deserved.

To see Daniel (and my other kids, spouse, etc.) as a gift is very different than to see them as possessions. 

We were blessed to receive Daniel into this world as a gift and, though we would have preferred that he stay with us here, he was never ours to ultimately possess, control, or own.  So his departure, while very sad to us, is not necessarily a violation of some cosmic title of ownership that we held on his life. 

Indeed, we never possessed that title – Daniel was on loan to us from the beginning.

God:  help me to accept this perspective and live in this light and light-ness toward Daniel and the rest of those whom I love on this earth.