The valley of the shadow of death

May 4, 2009

Walking through the valley of the shadow of death

Psalms 23: The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.  He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

This Psalm started floating through my head last week sometime.  Then on Sunday, there it was in the bulletin as the appointed Psalm for the congregation to read together in cycle of the Episcopal lectionary. 

I guess I need to stop and listen.

Since Daniel died 371 days ago, we have been walking through the valley of the shadow of death.  Death casts a long and large shadow when it strikes a family in this manner.  Every day is a new experience of the same sick feeling – I have lost a son, suddenly, tragically, way too young, and on and on.  The valley has been deep and long and often seems like it will never open back up into a sunny green pasture.  The shadow of death is large, dark, and seems all encompassing still as we wander through it.

Indeed, for much of the last year it has seemed as though we are living in this valley of the shadow of death and not simply walking through it.  Many days I feel like I am stuck forever in this shadow and in the darkness that it leaves in its wake.

Of course, this Psalm does not end in the shadow of darkness.  It goes on to several more positive concepts, including that we should fear no evil, we should find comfort in God’s rod and staff providing protection and direction, and that our cup overflows as goodness and mercy follow us and we ultimately dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 

All of this sounds great, if we can survive our time wandering in the shadow.

May 7, 2009

The Shadow of Death – continued

This metaphor seems so apt – this first anniversary season has been treacherous as I seem to have fallen back into the shock and disbelief over Daniel's death, and the subsequent sadness and despair that closely follow.  Life seems very dark and hopeless, as if I am incapable of ever feeling any hope or happiness again.

People talk, but I feel like their words are simply noise and I cannot understand what they are saying.  I feel dull and almost asleep much of the time.  I feel like we live in the shadow and it is very dark and endless.