Darkness and Light - Acknowledgement - Fear of Forgetting

March 31, 2009

Darkness and Light
 

I spend my days “in the light” – my work requires me to by “up” and to interact with a variety of staff colleagues, university faculty scientists and physicians, and donor.  I am almost constantly meeting with someone, talking to someone on the phone, or emailing or writing someone some correspondence that requires me to be positive, solicitous, and engaging.  I mostly feel energized by these interactions and my mood is even light and humorous at times.

The last few evenings I have found myself sinking into some depression or sadness, and struggling to even be in the same room as my family, much less engage in any meaningful interaction.  It feels particularly dark right now, emotionally and spiritually.

Darkness and light seem perfect descriptors and metaphors for what I am currently living.

Acknowledgement of our situation

As we anticipate the first anniversary of Daniel’s death, Carol and I are also struggling with some friends who seem to want to ignore what we are experiencing, either because they are not paying attention, or because they are so worried about not saying the right thing, or something.

It hurts us deeply when people we care about ignore our grief, especially when we have taken the opportunity to share specific challenges we are facing and how we are trying to cope.

To not acknowledge our vulnerability in some small way is very hurtful.

Having said that, this hurt always leads to our own neurotic sense that we are either being incredibly self-centered or, many of these same people think we really should be “over it” and they have lost patience with us, or, both.

March 28, 2009

Eleven months . . . fear that I am forgetting

As we enter the 12 month and look forward to the first anniversary of Daniel’s death in four weeks, Carol and I are aware of an increase in the acute pain of grief we are feeling.  We are unsure how to mark this anniversary with the kids, but we will figure it out. 

I still regularly re-live in my mind the hospital experience, wondering about all the moments and what was really going on with Daniel physically. 

I also fear that I am forgetting him and forgetting the details of those last hours that we spent with him on this earth.