Recovered or Reconciled?

June 16, 2009

Recovered or Reconciled?

I ran across this distinction in a book on grief that I was reading last night.  The author explained that he does not believe you recover from your loss or grief, but rather, you can become reconciled to it and adjust.  I like this distinction.

“Recovered” implies that something is made whole again.  When your leg fully heals after being broken, you have recovered from that injury.  When your computer recovers data that you think you lost when you get one of those obnoxious error messages, the data is typically made whole again and you recover it in its entirety.  When you recover from any illness your body resumes its full functioning.

Our earthly family of five is now four – we will never recover our fifth member in this life – our family cannot be made whole again in that respect.  The broken heart I have as a result of Daniel’s death cannot be completely healed or made whole again if by that I mean restored to its previous state.  I don’t believe I will ever fully recover from this loss.

To be “reconciled” to this loss is a different matter.  The dictionary definition of reconcile includes:

• persuade somebody or yourself to accept that something undesirable cannot be changed;
• to make two or more apparently conflicting things consistent or compatible, or to become consistent or compatible; or,
• to end conflict.

I can be reconciled to my loss of Daniel and my grief over his death – I can accept his death as something totally undesirable that cannot be changed.  I can end my conflict with the indisputable fact that he is gone.  I can reconcile my broken heart with the grace and gratitude I also experience, though these seem totally in incompatible and inconsistent.  I can be reconciled to this loss and grief and yet not truly every recover from it.

Perhaps I am splitting hairs on all of this, but it feels right in my heart to make this distinction.

God:  grant me grace to continue toward reconciliation to Daniel’s death even though I may never fully recover from the shock and grief I still feel.