Nine months
Nine months ago today Daniel died.
Nine months has not been enough time for me to fully
comprehend what I just wrote.
Nine months is roughly the same amount of time that Carol
carried Daniel in her womb before he was born.
Those nine months were filled with anticipation and hope; these nine
months have been filled with much agony and unspeakable grief accompanied by many
moments of amazing grace and love.
Ironically, just getting pregnant was actually a challenge
for us in the first place. Three kids
and 20 years later that too seems like a distant and ironic memory.
Daniel was a wonderful gift to our family and to many, many
others. We miss him terribly and yet we
are so grateful that God blessed us with his life.
The mystery is that grief and grace arrive together.
January 26, 2009
A seat at the table
Every time the music started in church yesterday I began to
cry. During the final recessional song,
the tears just kept flowing. I realize
that music in general, and worshipful music in particular, triggers my grief.
Daniel’s faith and my own meet somehow during these
songs. I feel especially close to him
but also miss him deeply when I am sensing God’s spirit and presence. Perhaps it is some palpable awareness that he
is just on the other side of that thin spiritual veil that separates us in
these moments of worship; perhaps it is simply the beauty of God’s grace that
contrasts with our fragile brokenness – I don’t really know.
Perhaps this is a moment where I am actually experiencing
the “communion of saints” as my awareness of Daniel’s presence at God’s table
somehow comes into focus in my consciousness.
He just happens to currently be on the other side of this huge table every
time I approach an altar when communion is being served.
I think Daniel is saving me a seat on his side of that
table.
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