“Every parent’s
worst nightmare”: still trying to
comprehend the incomprehensible
I have lost track how many times I have repeated this dream,
or had the same sensation when I am awake and my mind goes in this direction,
but last night it clearly came to me as I re-experienced that fateful weekend
sitting by Daniel’s bedside in Missoula as we struggled to understand that as he
lay in his bed in his unconscious state, he was actually dying before our very
eyes.
During this dream my sensation is always the same – an
intense feeling of panic and disbelief that I have no control over matters and
no choice in the outcome.
As is often the case, I seem to awaken shortly after the
climax of this dream and am disoriented, wondering if what I just experienced
is actually true, or whether indeed it is simply truly just a nightmare. Typically, within what seems like just a few
seconds my conscious neurons kick in and I realize, once again, that though I
just had this experience as a nightmare, indeed it is also a reality.
Perhaps someday I will ask a psychologist or psychiatrist to
interpret these dreams and more importantly, why my conscious and sub-conscious
mind continues to replay them.
Today that task of interpretation seems pretty
straightforward – I continue to struggle to comprehend what has actually
happened – the incomprehensible fact that we are living “every parent’s worst
nightmare” – we have lost our son.
June 4, 2009
The “valley of the
shadow of death” revisited
I shared my earlier journaling on the “valley of the shadow
of death” with a couple of friends and one of them responded by handing me some
definitions of shadow. As I read these I
am struck with how one can interpret this metaphor in some interesting ways.
A shadow is created physically when an object comes between
the viewer and the light source, partially blocking the rays of illumination
from that source of light and thereby casting a shadow away from the object.
Living and walking in the shadow of Daniel’s death probably can
be understood in many ways. One simple
interpretation for me is this: as Daniel
died, his spirit moved directly toward our spiritual source of light, God
himself, thereby creating a shadow as he moved toward God and away from us.
As hard as it is from my frail fatherly reference point, understanding the shadow created by my son’s death this way helps sooth my aching heart as I hold onto the hope and peace that this implies. Daniel journeyed into God’s presence and now somehow enjoys that eternal light and life that is promised to us in scripture. The shadow he leaves behind can be seen as dark and cold from our human perspective, but it can also be seen as representing light and hope of Christ from a spiritual perspective.
God: grant me wisdom
to see this shadow as you do and to trust in your goodness, mercy, and light
for my son, myself, and all those that I love.
No comments:
Post a Comment