Can I still trust God?

February 19, 2013

Last Sunday was the first Sunday of Lent and the gospel passage spoke of Jesus’ 40 days of temptation in the wilderness.  Once again Father Stace nailed it in his sermon with the simple point that Jesus likely too had to struggle with a basic human question – can I trust God for the long haul or do I succumb to the devil’s temptations and go it alone?  Stace further reflected that Jesus was exposed, again, just as we are, to the risk of somehow losing his companionship with God if he chose the easy path out of his wilderness experience and took the devil up on his offers.

As the sermon wound down I started texting these words to myself as they bubbled up in my heart and mind.

Can I trust God to take care of me and my family, to be my companion, and indeed, to be my salvation?
 
Daniel's death still challenges me to my core – can I still trust this God who did not give me my desire since He did not answer my prayer of desperation by saving this son?

With those words I quietly began to cry as I wrestled with my own wilderness experience of the soul and heart sitting right there in that pew.  I sensed the utter loneliness of this journey vividly in that moment and the fact that I too have a choice – I could take the easy and perhaps more “natural” way out and curse God instead of trusting him, shutting down my still broken heart in some effort to protect what is left of it. 

Or, I can stay on course and keep trusting even though I will never understand and probably will never be able to fully accept the reality of Daniel’s death.
 
As I contemplated those choices in that intense moment, I looked down at the leather bracelet that Carol gave me a few days earlier as a Valentine’s gift.  These bands of leather are woven together, reminding me of a similar bracelet that Daniel was wearing in the closing months of his life.  The little charm on the bracelet says DHB, representing to me both Daniel Hobson Burtness and all three of my children – Daniel, Hannah, and Ben. 

In addition to Daniel and his siblings, I pray that this bracelet also will remind me of the trust I choose to place in God and His ability to weave the fragile strands of our lives into a whole lifeline of hope and companionship.

Lord, hear my prayer.