Another birthday

August 3, 2013

 

Some reflections on Daniel's 24th birthday, the sixth one we have observed without him since he died five years ago.

 

Loving a child for 18 years does not stop when he dies - we go on loving him and missing him deeply five years later. Watching our kids grow into young adults without their big brother is bittersweet and uniquely painful. It is hard not to get stuck in the "I wonder how this would be different?" cycle of questions that have no answers.

 

Birthdays leave us with these many questions and feelings to ponder. We are still damaged and perhaps we will always be. My heart still feels broken and I wonder what shape this broken heart is taking on - how are God and others reshaping it as time marches on?

 

We had a great time today on a hike in the mountains with Daniel's good friend Matty, and then we went to our traditional dinner at Daniel's favorite restaurant with Matty, Lizzy, Lyle, Beth, Haddon, and the Mulherns. Being surrounded by these incredible friends who continue to love us and to love Daniel is rich and wonderful - we feel literally envoloped in grace and love in these moments.

 

I feel enormous gratitude for the blessing of having had this son for those 18 years.

 

I feel even more gratitude for the hope that Daniel is already enjoying a feast beyond our understanding at a heavenly banquet table and that he is saving a seat for me there as well.

 

Thanks be to God for that hope amidst the dreary pain that I still carry.

 

Happy Birthday buddy!