One zone is the present - I continue to experience what is happening right now - I get out of bed every morning, go to work, talk to people, do a job, engage in activities with my family and friends, and much, much more. I really do live a very rich life, filled up with meaningful daily work and a lot of people to care about and who love me very deeply and well. I am very blessed.
At the same time, I feel like I live in this other time zone that completely stopped moving when Daniel died.
"Daniel time" is where a part of me simply exists in this space where I seem to sit and wonder what has happened - how has this person left this earth and how is life really going on without him here?
I watch my other children continue to grow and thrive and I watch Daniel's friends finish college, fall in love, get married, and now I have even met the baby child of one of those friends. My children and all of these other beautiful people are flourishing and it absolutely warms my heart and soul to be in these relationships and get to witness their lives and growth.
But still, I feel stuck in time, sitting somewhere else and wondering about that other unanswerable question - where would Daniel be by now in his earthly life if he were still here?
Sometimes these distracting thoughts feel very selfish and I will myself to come back to the "reality" in the current time zone and pay attention to what is going on right now. Other times I let my mind wander and stay longer in my other time zone - my other reality where I sit and imagine a life that Daniel might now be leading, fantasizing about where he would be, how he would look, what relationships he might be experiencing by now, including my relationship with him as his father.
Is this healthy or normal for a father who still grieves the loss of his son more than five years later?
I pray to God that is it so.
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