April 1, 2015
Recurring “Daniel questions” and dreams
Recently I had two experiences that brought me back to some earlier times in my heart with what I call “Daniel questions.”
The first came when my brother asked how we felt about Ben taking a road trip over spring break from Spokane to California. Specifically he wondered how we dealt with that type of situation since we lost Daniel after his accident on his little weekend road trip in 2008.
That question evoked a lively conversation and my sharing that we still feel very vulnerable and fearful for our other two kids’ safety and well-being, even though we know that we cannot ultimately fully shield them or protect them from harm. In this five minute exchange, I was taken back to that fragile and vulnerable place and I marveled at how quickly I can revert into those feelings tucked away in my heart and feel the deep fear and vulnerability of life and its dangers.
I am reminded once again that I live with a very thin layer of calm, confidence, and ultimately faith, but beneath this very thin layer is a heart that is petrified of suffering any more losses.
A few days after this conversation I had a vivid dream that involved me running into an old college friend and her husband who had lost a younger child in a drowning accident. (As far as I know, this circumstance is not real, but the dream was extremely vivid and complex.) During a conversation in this dream the friend’s husband sobbed uncontrollably as he tried to describe the circumstances surrounding his daughter’s drowning and the enormous guilt and anguish he carried since he believed he should have been able to save her.
I awoke from this dream with a surrealistic feeling since it had seemed so real. I also had a clear sense that I related closely to this father’s anguish over his loss, but also to his “parent guilt” since he had not been able to protect his child and prevent her death.
I rationally understand how completely non-responsible I am for Daniel’s death, and yet I also realize that I too carry some oddly placed feelings that I should have somehow been able to better protect him or save him as his father.
As we approach the seventh anniversary of Daniel’s death four weeks from today, I still find myself pondering the mysteries that surround this loss and the feelings that I continue to carry.
April 19, 2015
More on “Blessed are those who mourn”
I am reading a book on the Beatitudes by a guy named Jim Forest for our small group at church and a reflection on the one that says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” caught my attention.
Forest quotes another author who was reflecting on the experience of losing a child when she said some years later:
"Mourning creates transparency in people. It opens us up for others to know. What we grieve over and mourn for reveals who we are."
"Mourning - the public expression of sorrow - helps us integrate our grief. The inability to mourn losses appropriately results in depression, psychosis, and physical illness. Until we can live with the reality of the loss of a loved one, the loss of a particular relationship, the loss of a piece of whom we once were, we have not integrated our grief. In a way, we are not living in reality."
Living with the reality of loss and integrating our grief: these are powerful words and resonate with my journey. For almost seven years now I have struggled to live with this reality of loss and to integrate my grief. But it also strikes me that I have begun to experience some success with this - this grief feels more and more "natural", like it has become a part of who I am, a unique part of my family's story, somehow as integral to who we are as many other traits or aspects of our lives.
How have I integrated this grief into my life? Integration means that we incorporate or combine some new element into something that is already established.
Grief has become a common part of my experience of life – it has been integrated into my daily experience. It feels very natural to spend some moments of almost every day remembering something about Daniel's life and reflecting at least briefly on his death and how we have all been impacted by this experience. I still miss him deeply and grieve this loss, though it feels more and more normal to me, as if it is somehow just one more part of my reality and my experience of life now.
I also appreciate this author’s distinction between mourning – “the public expression of sorrow” – and grief which presumably is the inner process, the complex and painful feelings that one experiences when suffering a loss. One could infer from the text in the Beatitudes that we need to publicly share our grief with at least one other person – to openly mourn – in order to experience the comfort that can come through the responses of those who care about us.
This is certainly true in my experience: I have been comforted by God and through many friends and family as I have mourned this profound loss.
I am blessed.
