Our unfolding story

August 20, 2013

How does this story of loss and pain, and faith and hope continue to unfold?  
 
Recently I went to a neighborhood friend's barbeque for their son who is one of Daniel's high school buddies.  It was a wonderful opportunity to connect with his friends from preschool, elementary and high school, and scouts, and many of their parents.  It was great to see these kids who are now young adults and to hear their stories of new jobs, grad school, getting started in  sandwich franchise businesses that are thriving, and more.  I loved the opportunity to connect and was genuinely thrilled to see the vitality and hope in their young lives - it was a rich and beautiful evening.
 
One set of parents wanted to hear more specifically about our family's journey and we spent some time talking about Daniel and how his life and death continues to impact each of us in our family as well as many others.
 
I am fascinated - perhaps bordering on obsessed at times - with how this story, the story of Daniel's life and death is unfolding and "being told."  At times I also fear that my obsession may interfere with living now and being fully present for my family. 

I pray that I find the balance among these things and yet can fully embrace how our unique story is unfolding. 

Lord, hear my prayer.

Another birthday

August 3, 2013

 

Some reflections on Daniel's 24th birthday, the sixth one we have observed without him since he died five years ago.

 

Loving a child for 18 years does not stop when he dies - we go on loving him and missing him deeply five years later. Watching our kids grow into young adults without their big brother is bittersweet and uniquely painful. It is hard not to get stuck in the "I wonder how this would be different?" cycle of questions that have no answers.

 

Birthdays leave us with these many questions and feelings to ponder. We are still damaged and perhaps we will always be. My heart still feels broken and I wonder what shape this broken heart is taking on - how are God and others reshaping it as time marches on?

 

We had a great time today on a hike in the mountains with Daniel's good friend Matty, and then we went to our traditional dinner at Daniel's favorite restaurant with Matty, Lizzy, Lyle, Beth, Haddon, and the Mulherns. Being surrounded by these incredible friends who continue to love us and to love Daniel is rich and wonderful - we feel literally envoloped in grace and love in these moments.

 

I feel enormous gratitude for the blessing of having had this son for those 18 years.

 

I feel even more gratitude for the hope that Daniel is already enjoying a feast beyond our understanding at a heavenly banquet table and that he is saving a seat for me there as well.

 

Thanks be to God for that hope amidst the dreary pain that I still carry.

 

Happy Birthday buddy!

Easter music and good tears

March 31, 2013

There is something very different about Easter since Daniel died. 

 

Perhaps the fact that his memorial service was a “celebration of the resurrection” left an indelible mark on my soul and I am more sensitized than ever to what we are really celebrating when Easter rolls around – as crazy as it may sound, losing Daniel brought a whole new meaning and yearning for literal resurrection into my life experience. 

 

This is not simply a nice, springtime holiday with candy, bunnies, and sentimental scripture readings about Jesus rising from the grave. 

 

It is a very personal hope and faith that it is all indeed true and that Daniel has already been resurrected and I will be able to join him one day as well.

 

Can I still trust God?

February 19, 2013

Last Sunday was the first Sunday of Lent and the gospel passage spoke of Jesus’ 40 days of temptation in the wilderness.  Once again Father Stace nailed it in his sermon with the simple point that Jesus likely too had to struggle with a basic human question – can I trust God for the long haul or do I succumb to the devil’s temptations and go it alone?  Stace further reflected that Jesus was exposed, again, just as we are, to the risk of somehow losing his companionship with God if he chose the easy path out of his wilderness experience and took the devil up on his offers.

As the sermon wound down I started texting these words to myself as they bubbled up in my heart and mind.

Can I trust God to take care of me and my family, to be my companion, and indeed, to be my salvation?
 
Daniel's death still challenges me to my core – can I still trust this God who did not give me my desire since He did not answer my prayer of desperation by saving this son?

With those words I quietly began to cry as I wrestled with my own wilderness experience of the soul and heart sitting right there in that pew.  I sensed the utter loneliness of this journey vividly in that moment and the fact that I too have a choice – I could take the easy and perhaps more “natural” way out and curse God instead of trusting him, shutting down my still broken heart in some effort to protect what is left of it. 

Or, I can stay on course and keep trusting even though I will never understand and probably will never be able to fully accept the reality of Daniel’s death.
 
As I contemplated those choices in that intense moment, I looked down at the leather bracelet that Carol gave me a few days earlier as a Valentine’s gift.  These bands of leather are woven together, reminding me of a similar bracelet that Daniel was wearing in the closing months of his life.  The little charm on the bracelet says DHB, representing to me both Daniel Hobson Burtness and all three of my children – Daniel, Hannah, and Ben. 

In addition to Daniel and his siblings, I pray that this bracelet also will remind me of the trust I choose to place in God and His ability to weave the fragile strands of our lives into a whole lifeline of hope and companionship.

Lord, hear my prayer.